rainy day

so far the the thunder and lightning have offered some relief from the hot and humid suburban torture. the rain helps my allergies a little. i spend the day as the guardian passenger to my 15 yr old sister while she logs her driving hours as a new driver. she's a busy girl....from violin lesson, to audition, to party and another party. i spend the day alone in my parents house playing around with the piano, clocks, and any other object of interest...video/sound recording and still images. a small dose of creative moments makes today allright. i prepare a meal for myself of lemon caper noodles with sea scallops and eat alone in the quiet with only the sound of the second hand of the clock.

you can't go home again...

it's the 8th day of my trip here in chicago. staying with my family and in the room i suffered my early formative years. time seems to seep away slowly. i feel energetically drained. when i first arrived with a defiant attitude to uphold my equilibrium. it's a vortex where all energy becomes neutral...i'm just a body brewing in dark black tea of thoughts. I ask myself, why do i do this? come here and force myself to survive this enivronment. after a lot of thought it occurs that it's the only way to really confront where i came from. i fled from this place 9 years ago and the only way i can feel that i'm not still running and hiding, is to come back. and to see if for what it really is and by doing so i can really move ahead with my true desires. i've worked so hard to manifest my own happiness and i can see now how far i've come. the guilt has shed slowly and has now run dry. what a releif. thinking of montreal, people that will be writhing with life, imbibed and drunk on life, embodying it in dance and deep layered sound will be the extreme opposite of where i am now. it makes me almost want to cry, and i'm sure that i will. i can't wait.